Having Real Conversations

The problem I have with conversation is when others seem to forget that it is a two-way street. I am not talking here of those for whom their only topic of conversation is themselves; I am not talking about those who blatantly interrupt by talking over you and hijacking the topic; I am not talking about little interjections and comments while you’re speaking. Irritating, exhausting and distracting as all of those may be (and I’m sure we’re all guilty on occasion!), I’m referring here to listening, REALLY listening, and acknowledging what has been said.

 So my bugbear is something very subtle and insidious, that may go unnoticed or unremarked at the time, but leaves me with an impression of something not being quite right, a sense of unfinished business. It may even leave me irritated or annoyed, without being able to pinpoint the reason. What gets to me is a feeling of being unheard, from which I conclude that I must be unimportant and that what I have to say is of no value. Whilst I accept that the last part comes from a place inside me, it doesn’t alter the fact that I AM unheard, because I have not been given the opportunity to finish what I was saying.

The situations to which I am alluding are those where you stop to draw breath or think a little and the other person leaps in, assuming that you’ve finished, and takes matters in an entirely different direction. You are so overwhelmed or surprised, you hardly notice it’s happening, and by the time you’ve recovered, you’ve forgotten what you were originally going to say anyway. Only later, after they’ve left, do you realise that you never finished telling them something important or interesting. Or alternatively, when it’s clear that the other person is not actually listening any longer, because they have their own fascinating contribution to make and are thinking about what they are going to say instead, at which point the talk becomes about them and their version of what you’ve said, not yours. And it doesn’t only happen in face-to-face contact, people do it in emails and texts.

The best way to show that you’ve heard somebody is to acknowledge what they’ve said, which sometimes may only be brief or in passing. Apart from being an indication that you’ve listened (or read), it shows that you’re interested, that you care, that they have some meaning and a place in your life, it may even make their day, or help them to feel better about themselves - all that reward for very little effort.

Next time you’re in conversation of any kind, notice what the other person is saying and acknowledge it accordingly, but also notice if you’re jumping in with your own stuff and not giving them chance to finish. Unless, of course, you want it to be all about you all of the time – in which case, count me out!

https://www.essentiallifeskills.net/the-art-of-conversation.html